It may be that there are among us those who have no experience or no awareness of problems in their own families. But most of us will be struggling with such problems right now – or have done in the past. Or we know of others who do – and feel helpless about giving them good and loving advice.

I’m no expert, I’m a learner myself. But we’ve come here to learn from God’s Word, believing it is useful for teaching, rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness. (2 Tim 3:16)

As we look there, we find many stories that have to do with family problems. Our own may be quite different – but there are, nevertheless, many things we can learn from them. Even though such stories are often told with little, if any, comment from the narrator. Instead we’re invited to ponder them – and make our own judgement, with God’s help.

A dysfunctional family

Having said that by way of introduction, let’s look at the story of Joseph and his brothers. Our reading brought us in at the climax of a story that reaches back a number of years – indeed, really a number of generations – as our own troubles may.

Joseph’s father, Jacob, had, in effect, four wives – by whom he had 13 children – 12 sons and 1 daughter. Joseph was the last but one, but the first of Jacob’s favourite wife, Rachel. She died at the birth of her second child, Benjamin, when Joseph was a young child. Despite the fact that Jacob had himself suffered from the effects of parental favouritism – he dotes on Joseph, the son of his sweetheart, Rachel. And he makes this clear to all the rest of the family.

Joseph himself makes matters worse in two ways. He carries an ill-report of some of his brothers back to his father. And he inadvisedly twice tells his brothers of dreams that point to his future preeminence, when they and his parents bow down to him. It is perhaps not surprising that, when they have the opportunity, they agree to murder Joseph. However, when they see traders going to Egypt, one of the brothers, Judah, persuades the others to sell Joseph to the traders as a slave. (Gen 37:1-36)

So, at the age of 17, Joseph is sold as a slave in Egypt. But God prospers him, despite false accusation and imprisonment. Through a God-given gift of being able to interpret dreams, he eventually becomes the second most powerful person in Egypt, after the king, the Pharoah. He has interpreted Pharoah’s dreams to predict a seven-year famine, and he is put in charge of the grain-harvest during the preceeding years of plenty. (Gen 39 – 41)

When the famine comes, it affects Canaan as well, where his family dwell, and his brothers are twice forced to go down to Egypt to buy grain. Joseph sees and recognises them – but to them he is an Egyptian, the lord of the land – and before him they bow. By a mixture of harshness and kindness Joseph tests his brothers’ attitudes. He discovers they are aware of their guilt, and that Judah, their spokesman, is a changed man. Joseph too is a changed man, ready to forgive their evil behaviour, and show remarkable favour to them, their families, and to their aged father, Jacob. (Gen 42 – 45)

Our family problems (1) Facing up to them & to ourselves

What can we learn from this extraordinary story of hatred, forgiveness and reconciliation?

(1) The first thing is that we do have to face up to our problem. Joseph was the injured party – as we may be – but he undoubtedly had to face up to his own attitude to his brothers. He could so easily have just wanted to forget the past, and ignored them when they came to Egypt. It could not have been easy to forgive, and bring about a reconciliation.

And then there were those at fault. Because he had the power to do it, Joseph was able to make his brothers face up to their part in the estrangement between himself and them. He found them changed – not so much by what he had done – but by what God had done through the circumstances of their lives. (We only know about these in the case of Judah. Gen 38:1-26) Now they had consciences awake to their guilt, sensitive to their father’s loss, and willing to love their father sacrificially.

How much do we identify with Joseph? Or with the other brothers? It is important that we should recognise our own woundedness – for the wounds in our relationships keep so many of us from entering into a close relationship with God. When we are hurting, we draw back from making ourselves vulnerable. We become distrustful when we have been deceived; unforgiving when we’ve been attacked; angry when we’ve been made use of, in loveless situations.

We feel unwanted, let down, unloved – and this has a profound effect on our personalities. God made us to love, receive love and to share love. But when pain or anger smoulder within us, we can no longer give or receive. Our human relations are fractured, and our relationship with our heavenly Father may be distorted to the point of non-existence, or be only distant and formal, lacking any assurance of his love, or ability on our part to walk with him daily in a prayerful relationship of open trustfulness.

So our first need is to ask God to open us gently – to see ourselves as we truly are. Despite our wounds, there will be those who do accept us, love us and even trust us. Such God-given friendship can heal us, and enable us to accept ourselves, and remind us how deeply God loves us as we are. But God desires that we become aware of the things in our lives that hurt him.

Maybe there are things we’ve done that, whether we’re aware of it or not, have contributed to the situation we now find ourselves in. We need with the psalmist to say, Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. (Psa 139:23-24)

Will you trust the Lord like that? He really is worthy of your trust. Because Jesus died in our place, so that we might be forgiven and put right with him. And if he shows us things in the past – or in the present – when our attitudes, motives or actions were hurtful to others, and inclined them to the reactions we now find so wrong – then we must first ask God for his forgiveness, and then, if possible, ask it of those whose actions have so wounded us.

Our family problems (2) What God wants to do & wants us to do

(2) The second lesson we need to learn is that we are powerless of ourselves to mend what has been broken. Not just to put back the clock and change the past. But to change the hearts and minds of others in the present. Oh yes, we can do what I’ve just suggested. We can perhaps remove obstacles to their doing so – but we cannot really change hearts. Only God can do that. The wonderful thing is that that is what he wants to do! God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men’s sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation. (2 Cor 5:19)

Isn’t that wonderful? That God loved us, even when we wanted to have nothing to do with him? That God loves us now, even when we are unlovely? And that he wants us to become like him?!

We can therefore come to him to ask him to help bring reconciliation about, in the confidence that we are asking according to his will. And in that case, we have his great promise that he will hear and answer our prayer. If we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us – whatever we ask – we know that we have what we asked of him. (1 John 5:14-15)

But there is a condition. He only promises to hear and answer our prayers if we are in a right relationship with him.

If my people, who are called by my name, will humble themselves, and pray and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sin and will heal their land. Now my eyes will be open and my ears attentive to the prayers offered in this place. (2 Chr 7:14-15) If you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there.. First go and be reconciled to your brother.. (Matt 5:23-24) (Isa 59:2; Dan 10:12; Mt 6:14-15)

As I’ve already said, if in our self-examination, we’ve found grounds to reproach ourselves – then we must confess our sin, and ask God for his forgiveness. If we see no fault in ourselves, then I beg you to consider you may be mistaken. We are all sinners and we all offend against God. If we are to get right with him, we can plead no virtue, no merit, no extenuating circumstances. Only the shed blood of Jesus, his Son, cleanses from sin, every sin. (1 John 1:5-2:6)

We have no evidence that Joseph prayed to God to give him a heart to forgive his brothers – or that he prayed for his brothers’ change of heart. But God did give to him to an unresentful spirit – so that he worked with integrity for those in power over him. He refused to compensate for the injustice done to him, by doing what he knew to be wrong. (Gen 39:6-12) He saw God’s hand in the circumstances of his life. So he was quick to give God the credit for his insight into the way things would turn out in the lives of others. (Gen 40:8; 41:16,25)

This humility was pleasing to God. This is the one I esteem, declares the LORD, he who is humble and contrite in spirit, and trembles at my word. (Isa 66:2) And this humility was the basis on which Joseph was able to relate to his brothers, who had so deeply wronged him. Joseph never says he’s forgiven them – but his actions speak louder than words. When a man’s ways are pleasing to the LORD, he makes even his enemies live at peace with him. (Prov 16:7)

We will be better able to forgive those who’ve hurt us – if we’ve a similar humility. And a similar recognition of God’s grace and love towards us. Which we should be able to do, because we know of God’s sacrificial love on our behalf, in sending his Son to die for us.

Our family problems (3) What God is already doing

(3) The third lesson we can learn is that God is already at work in the hearts and lives of others close to us, even if this is still hidden from us. For he loves us passionately, and in those he has begun to effect a change of heart, he is not content until he has transformed us into his likeness. So it was with Joseph, Judah and the others.

Joseph’s father, Jacob, in his youth had cheated his twin brother Esau out of the spiritual inheritance and blessing their father, Isaac, had intended to give to Esau. Jacob had cheated by telling his father that he was Esau. As a result, Esau hated his brother and wanted to kill him. Jacob had to flee from his parental home. God overruled Isaac’s unspiritual choice, but this did not diminish Jacob’s sin (or that of his mother, who had put him up to it). (Gen 27:1-45)

So God began to teach Jacob, through the deceit of others, that blessing was not to be gained by his own cleverness, and by manipulating others – but only through God’s grace and by our own total surrender to God. For Jacob the crisis came the night he was due to meet Esau again, after an absence of over 20 years. For Esau was coming to meet him with 400 armed men. Jacob was trying to appease his brother by sending him a series of gifts. But God saw that Jacob had to come to the end of himself, to the end of his self-reliance. He had to trust himself fully to God, who had blessed him and cared for him all along.

So that night a man wrestled with Jacob and in the end put his hip out of joint, giving him a permanent limp as a reminder. Jacob clung to the man and demanded a blessing. This was only forthcoming when Jacob truthfully answered the question, What is your name? Now Jacob was told his name was no longer to mean deceiver or cheat – but God reigns or God is in charge. Now he would find that Esau was ready to embrace him without resentment. The unknown wrestler, he now realised, was God himself, I have seen God face to face... and he’s let me live! (Gen 32:24-31)

We also have to surrender ourselves into God’s hands – and leave the outcome of our family problem to God also – whatever that problem is. If we’ve done that, we will know that the past, about which we have such mixed feelings, has been forgiven, as far as we are concerned. We ought not to go on reproaching ourselves – if that’s what we’ve been doing. The future will be in God’s hands, for whatever he sees best.

I have seen husband and wife reconciled with great love and acceptance, after one of them had been unfaithful. I have seen a father reconciled to his daughter, after he had said he wanted nothing more to do with her. I have known of two brothers, long separated by the love of one for the Lord, while the other remained for many years an unbeliever. The believer persisted in prayer for his brother, and was eventually rewarded when that brother was gloriously converted.

Such things do not always happen, least of all in one’s own lifetime. In our Lord’s parable about the two sons, one leaves home and squanders his inheritance, while the other stays dutifully at home, but never really knows the extravagance of his father’s love. (For God is like that!) He resents it when he sees that love poured out on his repentant brother. But our Lord, in his story, leaves unresolved the conflict between the two brothers – we’re to ask ourselves what our own attitude is!

It may well be that God will greatly surprise us. Just as God surprised Jacob, when Jacob learnt that Joseph was still alive – and lord of Egypt – despite Jacob’s having lacked trust in God’s amazing grace and everlasting love. May God open our eyes and our hearts to him – and to those who have grieved us.

                                                                                            Amen.