This message is adapted from one preached by Rick Warren

For the last six weeks, we’ve looked at different aspects of love. Love is the most important factor in life. Love is kind. The Bible says love is patient, love is humble. We looked at how love does not envy. We’ve looked at how it is the key to life.

Today we’re going to look at what I think is the ultimate test of love. The ultimate test of love is when somebody hurts you. How do you respond? Do you have a grudge? Do you get resentful? Do you get full of bitterness? How do you handle when somebody hurts you?

The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:5,(NLT) “Love – keeps no record of when it has been wronged.” In other words, love doesn’t store up hurt. Love doesn’t keep a grudge. Love doesn’t keep score.

Love doesn’t keep a record of wrongs. Do you do that? I do, unfortunately, sometimes. Sometimes we keep a record of wrongs so we have ammunition so when others hurt us, we can hurt them back. But the Bible says love doesn’t do that.

Forgiveness may be the single most difficult act of love above all the other things we’ve talked about in this series.

There’s a lot of shoddy thinking about forgiveness. There are a lot of myths, a lot of misconceptions. There’s a lot of faulty thinking about forgiveness. So today we’re going to look at what it’s all about. Because forgiveness gets watered down. It gets abused. It gets cheapened. I’ve prepared a little quiz for you to take before we actually look at what the Bible says. True or false.

• 1. A person should not be forgiven until they ask for it.
• 2. Forgiveness includes minimizing the offense and the pain that was caused.
• 3. Forgiveness includes restoring trust and reuniting a relationship.
• 4. You haven’t really forgiven until you’ve forgotten the offense.
• 5. When I see someone else hurt then it is my duty to forgive the offender.

If you study the Bible and you study what Jesus says, you’ll discover that all five of those statements are false.

We’re going to talk today about what true forgiveness is. And before we talk about what it is, we have to talk about what it is not. Five things forgiveness is not.

1. It isn’t conditional. In other words, it’s not based on somebody else’s response. It’s not earned. It’s not deserved. It’s not bargained for. It’s not paid for. It’s not based on some promise that you’ll never do it again. If you say to someone “I’ll forgive you if…” that’s not forgiveness. That’s called bargaining. “I forgive you if…” is not forgiveness at all. Genuine forgiveness is unconditional.

What if Jesus had said when He prayed, “Father forgive them if they ask for it.” The truth is nobody had asked for it when Jesus prayed on the cross. “Father, forgive them, for they don’t know what they’re doing.” Genuine forgiveness is unconditional. It is offered whether it’s ever asked for or not.

2. Forgiveness is not minimizing the seriousness of the offense. It’s not saying, “It’s not a big deal.” Or “It’s OK. It didn’t really hurt me.” Or if somebody tries to ask forgiveness, you say, “Don’t worry about it. It’s no big deal. It didn’t hurt.” That is not forgiveness.

We need to understand the difference between being wounded and being wronged. Those are two very different things. Being wounded is something that is accidental, somebody hurts you accidentally. When you are wronged, they intentionally mean to hurt you. They are very different. When you are wounded, that does not require forgiveness. You’re hurt unintentionally all the time. You just need patience and acceptance at that. But when you’re wronged, when other people wrong you, that requires forgiveness. Big difference.

Sometimes we use forgiveness for all kinds of stuff that forgiveness doesn’t have anything to do with. Let’s say you don’t like the way I normally dress. It bothers you. I don’t need your forgiveness. I just need your acceptance. I may wound you. I may offend you. But I haven’t really harmed you intentionally. Forgiveness is reserved for the serious stuff, when you’re intentionally hurt. When you minimize a wrong, either your own or somebody else’s, you are cheapening forgiveness.

So forgiveness is not conditional – it is unconditional. And it is not minimizing the seriousness of an offense saying it’s no big deal.

3. It isn’t resuming a relationship without changes. This is one of the most misunderstood concepts about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not the same as restoring a relationship. Some of you are afraid to forgive because you’re afraid you’re going to have to go back with that person. And you’ll have to be their best friend again or you’ll have to remarry them or whatever. No, restoring relationship and forgiveness are two different things, the Bible teaches. Forgiveness is instant. Trust must be built over a long period of time. The Bible says that those are two different things. Forgiveness takes care of the damage done. It just lets the person off the hook. You let them go – scott free. But it doesn’t guarantee that the relationship will be restored. Those are two different issues.

Forgiveness is your part in reconciliation, when you forgive the offender who’s hurt you. But for a relationship to be restored, the offender has to do three other things that are totally unrelated to forgiveness.

• One, demonstrate genuine repentance. They have to show that they’re genuinely sorry before the relationship can be rebuilt. Genuine repentance, and that means a change in their lifestyle.
• Two, they have to make restitution whenever possible for the damage done.
• Three, the offender must rebuild your trust by proving they have changed over time.

Those are totally different from forgiveness. If somebody repeatedly wrongs you over and over – let’s say somebody in your family or work or a former friend or a former spouse – somebody who repeatedly offends you over and over and over. You’re obligated by God to forgive that person over and over and over. But you are not obligated to trust that person or instantly restore the relationship.

Example: An abusive alcoholic spouse batters his wife or her husband and does it repeatedly over and over until finally the spouse says, “No more! You’re harming me. You’re harming the kids. You’re out of here.” And they come back and they say, “I’m so sorry. I’m ashamed of what I’ve done. Please forgive me. Will you forgive me?” You are obligated as a Christian to say, “Yes, I do forgive you.” Then they say, “OK! So I can come back home?” That’s another story! You have to prove the trust.

Do you understand the difference between trust and forgiveness? It takes more than forgiveness to build a relationship. It takes trust. And trust is built over time.

So forgiveness starts by making a choice. Forgiveness is not conditional. It is not minimizing the offense. And it’s not resuming a relationship automatically. Just saying, OK, everything’s back to normal because you’re forgiven without any change.

4. Forgiveness is not forgetting what happened. The Bible says forgiveness is not forgetting what happened. Some of you have been afraid to forgive somebody who hurt you in your life because you don’t want to forget it. You’ve all heard the cliché “Forgive and forget”. Isn’t that nice? It sounds so sweet! Forgive and forget. The only problem is it’s impossible to do. It’s impossible. It’s foolish and illogical.

In the first place, it’s impossible to try to forget something. When you’re trying to forget something, what are you focusing on? The very thing you want to forget. And whatever you focus on, you tend to move toward.

The fact is, your brain stores every single memory you’ve ever had. Doctors, brain surgeons, scientists know that if they were to open up your brain and take a probe and stimulate a certain part, they can bring back every single memory you’ve ever had in vivid color. Your brain does not forget anything.

It can be pushed down from trauma. It can be repressed. It can be put in the deep recesses of your mind. But your brain doesn’t really ever forget anything. In fact, the only way to forget something is to replace it. You can’t try to forget anything. You have to try to put something in its place.

I want to say, though, is that there’s something better than forgetting. This will take you to a new level of spiritual maturity. It’s remembering and realizing how God can bring good even out of bad. You can’t thank God for something you’ve forgotten. Thank God that even though this terrible thing happened to me and it hurt a lot, I believe you could turn around and use it for good. And you could actually use me in the same situation. And all the many ways that we’ve talked about how God could bring good out of bad. Romans 8:28 talks about how all things are not good – in fact, there’s a lot of bad in the world. But all things work together for good.

This is the difference between forgetting and letting go. You remember it, but you let it go. The Bible talks about letting go of the pain, letting go of the hurt, letting go of the resentment, letting go of the bitterness, not holding on to it. But that’s not forgetting. Because you never will forget. In fact, the more painful something has happened in your life, the more likely it is that you’re going to remember it.

Some people think, “When am I going to get to the point spiritually where I forget all those hurts?” You’re not going to get there. The key is not forgetting. The key is learning to see it through the lens of grace and through the lens of God’s sovereignty and through the lens of how God can turn even bad things into good in your life if you’ll trust Him and you learn to respond in the right way. So it’s not forgetting what’s happened.

5. Forgiveness is not my right when I wasn’t the one that was hurt. Only the victim has the right to forgive. You can’t forgive people who haven’t hurt you.

Some of you remember a few years ago a 14-year-old boy who shot and killed three high-school girls in Paducah, Kentucky. Before those girls had even been buried, their bodies were probably still warm, some well-meaning kids at the high school the next morning put up a sign to the killer that said, “We forgive you, Mike.”

Those kids meant well, and they probably thought they were doing the Christian thing, but they didn’t have the right to forgive because they weren’t the victims. How do you think that made the parents feel, the brothers and sisters of those girls? They hadn’t even worked through their grief yet. Yes, they could come to a place of forgiveness themselves, but somebody was short-circuiting the system illegitimately. Those high-school kids had no right to forgive them. They hadn’t been the ones who were hurt.

Recently I heard a national leader announce that we must all forgive Osama bin Laden. He said, “I have forgiven Osama bin Laden.” There’s only one problem. He didn’t have any relatives in the World Trade Center. He wasn’t the one who was personally hurt. He didn’t have any right to do that. Only the victim has the right to forgive.

This is shallow, faulty forgiveness. It’s not my place. You can only forgive those who’ve hurt you. And others can only forgive those who’ve hurt them. It’s meaningless to short circuit.

There is always a cost to sin. And there’s always a cost to forgiveness. And that’s why you have to let it go and you have to reach out to that offender.

If forgiveness is none of those things, what is real forgiveness? Real forgiveness involves three steps.

1. Real forgiveness is relinquishing my right to get even.

This is the heart of real forgiveness. You don’t seek revenge. The Bible says it like this in Romans 12:19 (NLT) “Never avenge yourselves. Leave that to God. For He has said that He will repay those who deserve it.”

You say, “If I give up my right to get even with somebody who’s hurt me, that’s unfair.” You’re right. It’s unfair. Whoever said forgiveness if fair? Was it fair for Jesus Christ to forgive everything you’ve ever done wrong and let you go scott free? Was that fair? No. We always want justice for everybody else, and we all want forgiveness for ourselves. When it comes to somebody else, it’s not fair. But we don’t want God to be fair to us, though. We want God to be gracious to us. The Bible says I relinquish my right to get even.

The truth is that life is not fair. And forgiveness is not fair. It’s called grace, and God has shown it to you. But the Bible does say this. One day, God is going to have the last word. One day, God is going to settle the score. One day, God is going to right the wrong. One day, God is going to balance the ledger. So you let God settle the score. You forgive so there can be peace in your heart and you can get on with your life, and you leave the justice part to God. Who can do a better job of justice? Who can do a better job of getting even? You or God? Who has more ways at His disposal of righting wrongs, you or God? The starting point is to relinquish my right to get even.

If you don’t do this, you will fall into the trap of bitterness. We have talked about this so many times, but let’s review it again. Resentment and bitterness are worthless tools. They’re worthless emotions. In fact, they are the unhealthiest emotions, doctors tell us. They will eat you alive like cancer. All the resentment you’ve got, all the bitterness toward people who have hurt you in your past, it isn’t going to change the past. No matter how much you resent it, it’s not going to change the past. All that resentment and all that bitterness and all those grudges you’ve held are not going to change the future. You cannot change your past with your resentment. Many times people hold resentment in their hearts and the other people are totally unaware of it. They’re going along their merry way, having fun, enjoying life, and getting on with the future. And you’re the one who’s stuck in the past.

When you hold on to resentment, you allow people to continue to hurt you today. And that’s not smart. In fact, it’s quite dumb. The people in your past are past. They cannot continue to hurt you unless you choose to hold on to the hurt. Why would you do that? Why would you hold on to a hurt that can neither be changed nor controlled? All you’re doing is making yourself miserable.

So you relinquish your right to get even. The Bible says this in Hebrews 12:15 “Be careful that none of you fails to respond to the grace which God gives. For if he does there can very easily spring up in him a bitter spirit which is not only bad in itself but it can also poison the lives of many others.” And resentment can be passed on from generation to generation to generation. You don’t just make yourself miserable when you’re bitter. You make everybody else around you miserable too. It is a worthless emotion. I relinquish my right to get even.

2. Responding to evil with good.

The Bible says it like this in Luke 6:27-28 (NIV) “Do good to those who hate you, bless those who curse you and pray for those who mistreat you.” Circle those three verbs – “do good,” “bless,” and “pray for.” That’s part of forgiveness. You return good for evil.

How do you know when you’ve genuinely forgiven somebody?

You can pray for God to bless them. You can pray for God to bless their life when you know that you have genuinely forgiven them.

You also understand their hurt. You start seeing their hurt. When people are hurting inside, they take it out on others. That parent who hurt you a lot, they were hurting a lot. They were hurting in all kinds of ways. When you learn to forgive, you cannot only see your own hurt, but you see their hurt, too. Then you start to understand why they acted in such evil or selfish or hurtful or abusive ways. You can pray for them and pray for God to bless them.

You say, “But you don’t know how they’ve hurt me.” No, I don’t. And I’m sorry for every hurt in this room. But I do know this: You’re never going to get on with your life unless you let it go. Unless you forgive and let it go. Not forget. But relinquish my right to get even and respond to evil with good.

How can I do that? There’s only one possible way. You have to be filled with the love of God. You have to be filled with the love of Jesus Christ. Because the Bible says, “Love keeps no record of wrong.” When I’m keeping record of wrong, I’m being unloving. On the other hand, when I let it go and I bless those who hurt me, then that means I’m filled with love. You say, “I can’t do that!” You’re right. You can’t. That’s why you need Jesus Christ. There’s no way you can have that kind of love on your own. Only the love of God inside of you – filling you – can give you that kind of love. There’s no way you can do it on your own. You have to have Jesus Christ giving you the day-by-day love to forgive.

The third is the hardest of all. I relinquish my right to get even, I respond to evil with good and

3. I repeat this process as long as necessary.

Forgiveness is never or rarely a one-time event. Forgiveness goes on and on and on. How often do I have to do this? How often do I have to keep releasing my right to get even? How often do I have to keep blessing them when they do evil?

Until the pain stops. Until you stop feeling the hurt. And then you’ll know you’ve forgiven them. “Peter asked Jesus, ‘Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?’ ‘No,’ Jesus replied. ‘Seventy times seven.’” Matthew 18:21-22 (NLT)

What’s going on here? Peter thought he was being pretty magnanimous. In Jewish law, you had to forgive a person three times. And after you’d forgiven them three times, that was it. You didn’t have to forgive them any more. So Peter asked, “How often do I have to forgive somebody who hurts me? How often do I have to forgive my brother?” He’s thinking, “The law says three times. How about if I double it, and add in one for good measure. Seven times?” (God’s going to really be impressed with this!)

And Jesus says, “Wrong! You’re not even close! How about seventy times seven.” He’s saying “To infinity and beyond! You just keep on doing it. You just keep on forgiving. How do you know that you’ve let it go? You just keep on doing it until the pain stops. Every time you remember that hurt, you make a willful choice in your mind and say, “God, they really hurt me.” You don’t minimize the hurt and say it wasn’t a big deal. It was a big deal, and that’s why you still remember it. “God, they hurt me, and it still hurts. But I am choosing, because I want to be filled with love and not resentment, I am choosing to give up my right to get even, to seek revenge, to wish bad on that person. I am choosing to bless them who hurt me. God, I pray you’ll bless their life. Not because they deserve it. They don’t. I don’t deserve your blessing, God. But I pray that you’d show grace to them like you’ve shown to me.” You keep on doing it until you know you’ve released them.

It is not always possible; it is not always advisable that you physically go back to the people who hurt you. You shouldn’t always go back to that person. Things may have changed. They may be unaware of how they hurt you. They may have remarried. Maybe it would make matters worse. Maybe they’ve moved away, and it’s impossible to find them. They may have died. Some of you hold resentment against people who are no longer even alive. It’s not always advisable or even possible to go back to that person.

One of the things you can do is the technique of the empty chair. You set an empty chair in front of you, and you imagine that person in it and say, “God, I don’t know where they are, and I don’t know if it would even be the right thing to go back to them. It might stir up a hornet’s nest. But right now, I’m imagining that person there. I forgive them in the name of Jesus Christ. I’m giving up my right to get even. I’m letting it go. I’m asking you to help me to want you to bless that person.

Another way is to write a letter to the person that you never mail. You spell out your pain. You say, “What you did hurt me. That rejection, that abuse, that mistrust, that betrayal, that criticism, that neglect, that apathy – whatever. That hurt me.” And you spell it out. You don’t minimize it. “But I have been forgiven so much by God, and I know that this is the right thing to do. I don’t want to go on with my life feeling and holding this resentment, this grudge, this pain, this burden in my heart.” Because what you’d be doing is continuing to allow them to control you. “So I’m letting you go.” You write it in the letter, and you never mail the letter.

What I’ve described to you is not easy. It’s not easy at all. In fact, I have no doubt that this weekend there’s some relationships right here, there’s some marriages that are about to self-destruct. And they’re about to self-destruct not because of a hurt that was done – the hurt was the instigator – but because of the unforgiveness. It is not the hurt that destroys the marriage; it’s the refusal to forgive that destroys the marriage. It’s holding on and holding it over the person’s head. And some of you are in so much pain that every bone in your body wants to run out of that marriage, run out of that relationship – find somebody new just to ease the pain.

These steps are not easy, but with God’s power, you can do it. There’s a line in a song that says, “We can’t just trust our feelings. We have to stand in the Lord.” That’s the only way you’re going to get past this forgiveness barrier. You say, “I don’t feel like forgiving.” Who does? Nobody ever feels like forgiving. You do it because it’s the right thing to do, and you do it to get on with your life. We have to stand in the Lord.

What is the secret of genuine forgiveness? Remember how much I’ve been forgiven. That’s the secret. Remember how much I’ve been forgiven by God. I remember what it cost Jesus Christ to forgive me. All the things I’ve done. I’m not spotless. I’m not blameless. I’ve hurt a lot of people in my life. And so have you.

You were forgiven, not because you deserve it. Not because you earned it. Not because you balance it out with good works. Not because you promised never to sin again. But because you have put your faith in Jesus Christ. You’ve accepted His salvation. Jesus Christ is your savior.

What does that mean – to make Jesus Christ my savior? It means I accept His forgiveness for all I’ve done. And I am forgiven. Not because I’ve worked for it. Not because my good works are more than my bad works or the good things I’ve done are better than the bad things I’ve done in life. It’s because I’m in Christ. That’s the only way you get God’s forgiveness. You need to remember that.

Today, we’re going to remember how much we’ve been forgiven by taking communion together. I think it’s really appropriate to take communion at Thanksgiving. In fact, one of the words for communion in the Bible in Greek is eucharist, which means “with thanksgiving.” At Thanksgiving, we need to thank God for the No. 1 thing we’re grateful for and that is His forgiveness.

I have no doubt that many of you are carrying deep painful wounds from the way you’ve been hurt by other people. And from the bottom of my heart, I am sorry. I’m really sorry. When you think about that betrayal, that hurt, that rejection or whatever it was, it seems as fresh now as it was when it happened. It may have been months, it may have been years, but you are still holding on to that hurt. Just me talking about it, it pops back up in your mind. How are you going to get on with your life? There is only one way. Forgiveness. It’s the only way you’re going to get on with your life and get over the hurt. Forgiveness. Why should I do that? When they have hurt me so much, why should I forgive them?

1. God has forgiven you. You’ll never have to forgive anybody more than you’ve been forgiven by God.

2. Bitterness makes you miserable. It doesn’t work.

3. Forgiveness is a two-way street and you’re going to need more forgiveness in the future. We pray in the Lord’s Prayer, “Forgive us our debts we forgive everybody else.” Forgive us; in the same way we forgive everybody that’s hurt us. Do you really want to pray that? God, I want you to forgive me as much as I’ve forgiven everybody else.

You say “But I could never forgive that person.” Then I hope you never sin. Because forgiveness is a two-way bridge, and don’t burn the bridge you’re going to have to cross over to get to heaven. We are to forgive others because we have been forgiven.

There’s an amazing truth that happens that when you hold on to a hurt: the more you hold on the hurt, the more you focus on the offender. And the more you focus on the offender, the more you actually move toward them. And any psychology book will tell you that whatever you focus on and move toward, you end up becoming. Here’s the point: If you don’t release them, you end up resembling them. “I’ll never be like my mother!” Oh yeah? The more you focus on the very person who hurt you, the more you become like them. You’ve got to let it go. There’s not a better time than right now.

Prayer: Would you pray this prayer of release and renewal and restoration and forgiveness? Would you let it go right now? I want you to think of that person who hurt you most. Would you pray this? “Dear God, You know how I’ve carried unforgiveness in my heart. I’ve held on to hurts and memories. And I have secretly wanted to get even. But today I want to let it go. I want to get on with your plan for my life. So in spite of how I feel, I want to do the right thing. Today, right now, this weekend, I forgive…” and you fill in the blank. “I relinquish my right to get even.” You name that person. “I let go of my right to get even. I pray that you would work in their life. And I commit to continuing to forgive them until I no longer feel the desire to seek revenge. Jesus Christ, please replace my hurt with your peace and fill my life with your love. In Your name I pray. Amen.”