This message is adapted from one preached by Tom Holladay

We’re going to talk today about how you and I can experience what it means for love to be patient. This isn’t just patient with circumstances. This is patience in our relationships, patience with people. It comes from the Greek word makrothumos. It takes you a long time to boil over. You have a long fuse rather than a short fuse.

This is important in our society – learning to be patient. The truth is, anger in our relationships is not something that’s decreasing. It’s more and more increasing. We see each and every day and every year new evidences of the increase of violence and anger in our society.

For those of you who are maybe just leaning back in your chair and thinking, “Other people get angry but not me,” let me take a moment to remind us: anger is expressed in our relationships in a lot of different ways. You don’t have to be a loud person to be struggling with anger. Sometimes as a quiet person, you bottle it up.

In anger in relationships, usually we have one of two strategies. Some of us are what I would call skunks; some of us are what I would call turtles. A skunk is the one who, when an argument occurs, you sort of spew. Everybody in the room knows how you feel. You want everybody to know. Then there are some of you who are turtles. When the bad times come, your head goes right back in the shell. Neither of those ways work. God has a better way to deal with the anger we sometimes feel in our lives.

This week in our small groups we’re going to be talking about how you and I can manage anger once it begins to rise up in us. We all need to learn to do that because we all face anger in our lives. It’s an emotion we all deal with. How do you manage it once it begins to happen in you?

I’d like to take a little different angle on it. 1 Corinthians 13:5 (NIV) says, “Love is not easily angered.” James 1:19 (NIV) says, “Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry.” The Bible doesn’t say don’t get angry. It just says don’t become easily angered – “be slow to become angry.”

Jesus was angry, so obviously there are times when it’s right to be angry. The Bible says in Mark 10:14 (NIV) , “When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them “ Let the little children come to me” He was angry that the children weren’t being allowed to talk to Him. It doesn’t say don’t get angry. It says don’t be easily angered.

What about not being easily angered? Being slow to become angry?

Yes. If, in your car, you waited until the gauge flashed red to put water in, that would be very damaging to your car. Sometimes we do that with anger. There are some things you can do to not get there so often. Be slow to become angry. There are dozens of things. I’m going to look at a top five list of what you and I can do to not become so easily angered. If you’ve found yourself to be constantly angry lately, this message is for you. It’s for all of us because we all deal with it.

1. Break the pattern of anger.

It is easy to get caught up in the pattern of anger where anger breeds more anger which in turn breeds more anger. And it gets worse and worse. It’s a downhill slide.

Proverbs 29:11 (NIV) says, “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” It’s foolish to give full vent to your anger. Why is it foolish? Doesn’t that just get it out? Make everything better? No! To give full vent to your anger just creates more anger. It gets worse.

Proverbs 14:29 (NLT) says, “Those who control their anger have great understanding; those with a hasty temper will make mistakes” A quick temper makes you act in more and more foolish ways every day. It’s stupid.

When you’re angry, all the defenses come down. You’ll say anything to win the argument, even if you’ve told yourself, “I would never say that!” No matter how hurtful it might be, you’ll say it. Sometimes you do anything, the craziest things, things you never imagined yourself doing. That’s the danger. All the defenses come down.

Does this mean I’m supposed to pretend I’m not angry? No. Ephesians 4 gives us the practical steps to break the pattern of anger. “In your anger, do not sin. Do not let the sun go down while you’re still angry. Do not give the devil a foothold.” That means sometimes you need to wait until the temperature cools to have a conversation. If you talk right away when you’re feeling that red-hot gauge of anger, you’re going to say the wrong things. Back off a little. Let things cool down. Do not sin. Speak when you’re angry, and you’ll make the best speech you’ll ever regret. Cool down for a minute.

You might also circle, “Don’t let the sun go down.” Don’t let the sun go down on your anger. Don’t let it go past one day. That means you can’t wait so long that the cooling gauge goes to freezing. That happens very quickly. All of a sudden we can’t talk about it. There’s nothing to say about it. Your anger becomes frozen rage, frozen bitterness because it’s cooled so far. The Bible says talk about it that day. Give yourself time to cool off, talk about it that day and you won’t get in this extended pattern of anger. You were not made by God to live in an extended state of anger.

Some of you may have lived in this pattern for a long time. I’d say it’s very possible you’re going to need a trusted Christian friend, a Christian counselor. Sit down and talk this through with them. Once you break through that frozen part of the pattern, then you can begin to live out God’s strategy. Back off long enough to cool down, but then talk about it before the end of the day. Break the pattern of anger.

2. Guard your relationships.

You will become an angry person if you hang out with angry people. That’s what the Bible says. Proverbs 22:24-25 (NLT) says, “Keep away from angry, short tempered people, or you will learn to be like them and endanger your soul” Others’ anger can easily infect you.

At its core, anger is an emotion that seeks to correct wrong. When you feel angry, you feel wronged. That’s why there’s a good kind of anger. There are some genuine wrongs in this world that need to be corrected. The best example obviously is terrorists attacking innocent victims. We should be angry with that. It is a wrong that needs to be corrected.

In an argument, oftentimes you feel like you’ve been wronged. You know that there are people in your life who can help you calm down in that situation. There are other people who will cause you to become angrier. You get around the wrong kind of person, and they’ll just build on it. You say, “Somebody at work said something that bothers me.” They’ll look at you and say, “Bothers you? You should be angry about that! You should go back and tell them what you think.”

There are people in your life who cause you to become angrier. The Bible says watch out for those kinds of people. They say phrases like, “You deserve better... You should be angry… I’d tell them what I think if I were you.” But they don’t tell you Proverbs 11:23, “Wicked ambition ends in angry frustration.” If it’s all about me and what I want, it’s always going to end up in angry frustration.

Don’t hang around angry people. Some of you might be thinking, “What if the angry person is somebody in my family? How do I handle this?

That’s an honest question. What if it’s my husband/wife, how do I deal with that? The Bible has an answer for this, too. It tells what to do in our closest relationships to make sure that anger doesn’t continually happen in those relationships. It’s our memory verse for this week. Proverbs 15:1(NIV) “A gentle answer turns away wrath but a harsh word stirs up anger” This is a verse that you want to use toward yourself – internally. In the midst of an argument, you want to use it for yourself, not on someone else. You don’t look at someone else and say, “A gentle response diffuses anger.”

Gentle does not mean be quiet. You can be quietly sarcastic or harsh and cause just as much anger. Gentle does not mean quiet. It means humble. It means I’m thinking about the other person in this moment. It means I’m taking just enough of a step back and thinking what might they need.

That means that in dealing with anger there is a loving phrase that we need to learn to say – “I could be wrong.” Try that just once this week and see what happens. See how it changes things.

3. Release your worries to God.

Because our worries and anxieties often take us down a road that lead us straight to anger. Anger and anxiety are closely connected. Psalm 37:8 (NLT) says, “Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret – it leads only to evil” Fretting and worrying often leads to anger and wrath in our lives because we’re anxious. It comes out in angry words.

In the movie Toy Story, the toy Woody is angry at the toy Buzz because he’s feeling some loss in his life. He’s feeling anxious about losing his place in the toy world.

When you’re filled with anger, ask yourself, “What am I worried about? What am I anxious about?” It will often help you to break through. The loving thing is to ask yourself those questions about the person you love who may be angry. What are they worried about? What are they anxious about? What’s going on?

That means that you have to admit that anger is not some other person’s responsibility, not some circumstantial responsibility. It’s my responsibility. Instead of blaming others, you take responsibility for your anger in that moment. You must – I must – take responsibility for my anger. If I don’t take responsibility for my anger, no one else is going to take responsibility. If I don’t take responsibility for my anger, I’m going to live with this the rest of my life. I’m going to be a slave to it the rest of my life. We use phrases like “You make me so mad!” Who is responsible in that little phrase? You are! The truth is you don’t make me so mad; the world doesn’t make me so mad, circumstances don’t make me so mad. I make me so mad! The choices I’m making are the things that cause that anger to happen in my life.

Once I do that, once I take responsibility for my anger, I begin to do those things that God encourages us to do in Philippians 4, “Don’t worry about anything. Instead pray about everything. Tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace.” You tell God what you’re worried about and you experience His peace instead of the anxiety and then the anger. You tell God you’re grateful even in the midst of difficult days. Tell Him what you’re grateful for. And you experience His peace.

4. Get some rest.

More often than not when it comes to being angry, we just need a snack and a nap. That’s what we need to make it through.

There’s no better example of this than Elijah in 1 Kings 19. Elijah is the prophet of God. He has just battled 450 false prophets on a mountain. One prophet of God against these 450 false prophets. That’s what I would call a poor “prophet” margin! He’s victorious over 450. The next day Queen Jezebel says, “This isn’t over yet! I’m still after you.” Elijah has a meltdown. He goes ballistic. He runs as fast as he can to the other end of the country, all the way talking about his depression and his anger, all the way talking about what a terrible thing. You can almost hear the wheels spinning. “I have this great victory! Couldn’t I enjoy it for one day? No! All of a sudden, she’s after me again.” All the way to the other end of Israel he keeps giving the same “Poor Me!” speech to God. “I’m the only one left. You’ve only got me, and look what you’re doing to me.” If you hear yourself continuing to give the same Poor Me speech, it’s a pretty good indication that you’re too tired. Or that you need something to eat.

Elijah gets as far away as he can from the situation, and then God encourages him to get some rest and eat. 1 Kings 19:5 says, “Elijah lay down under a tree and fell asleep. All at once an angel touched him and said, [and here’s what the angel came all the way from heaven to earth to say to Elijah] ‘Get up and eat.’” That’s an important message. Lay down and rest. Get up and eat. That’s one of the most important things you and I can do to break through the anger in our lives.

One of the reasons why you’re so angry is perhaps you are just too busy. The busyness of life, the pace of life is what’s creating so much of this anxiety. God invites you, before you do anything else, to get some rest. Take some time off. Take the break that you need. Within the home, a lot of our arguments were about tiny, insignificant details because we are tired. We are worn out.

We just need to say, “Let’s take a break. Realize that we’re tired.” Give each other some grace in this circumstance. Some days you’re just grumpy because you’re tired, and you just need to say, “God, help me keep my mouth shut today!” That’s the best prayer in the world that you could pray. Get some rest. A quick temper is a warning light. If you have a quick temper, it’s a warning light. It’s saying: Get some rest. Take a break. Slow down.

5. The most important thing that you and I could do to not be so quick to anger is to change your expectations.

Our anger always starts in our thoughts – our expectations of how things are going to work out.

Proverbs 4:23 (NLT) says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it affects everything you do.” The way you think eventually is going to run your life. We have expectations of what’s going to happen. When those expectations don’t match reality, the further apart those are, the angrier we become.

For example, you buy someone a present and it says on it: Easy assembly required. If it had said, this sucker is going to take 20 hours of your blood, sweat and tears and still not look right, that’s OK. But it says “Easy Assembly Required,” and you’re angry. Your expectations and reality just didn’t match.

So … you’re out on the golf course. You’ve got a little white ball, and you’re going to hit it right down the middle of the fairway. That’s your expectation. When expectation doesn’t meet reality, sometimes a broken golf club is a result! When expectations don’t meet reality, we can find ourselves doing the craziest things.

I encourage you! Lower your expectations a little bit.

I know what a painful time this can be for some of us. My encouragement to you is to ask God for a new sense of expectations. No, it’s not going to turn out perfectly. Irritating people are still going to be irritating people. But that doesn’t mean God can’t be there. It doesn’t mean God’s goodness is not real.

Thomas a Kempis said 600 years ago, “Be not angry that you cannot make others as you wish them to be since you cannot make yourself as you wish to be.” That’s a lowering of expectations.

How do you do that? How do you change your thinking?

Philippians 4:8 (NLT) tells us how. “Fix your thoughts on what is true and good and right. Think about things that are pure and lovely. Dwell on the fine good things in others. Think about all you can praise God for and be glad about.” Dwell on the fine, good things in others. Find the one good thing you can dwell on in people’s lives. Find the one good thing you can dwell on in one person this next week. Some people get angry because God put thorns among the roses. Other people praise Him for putting roses among the thorns. What’s it going to be for you?

When it comes to the issue of expectation, maybe the greatest change in expectation for you needs to be your expectation of what a relationship with God is like. God says, “I am the Lord, the merciful and gracious God. I am slow to anger, rich in unfailing love and faithfulness.” Circle “unfailing love” and “faithfulness.” That exact phrase is used no less that nine times in the Bible. God wants us to get this. What kind of relationship can you expect from God? One filled with judgment? One filled with guilt? If you expect that, you’re going to be afraid of God. Who wouldn’t be afraid of a being of immeasurable power who has His thumb poised to squish you at the slightest sign of any mistake?

But the Bible says that’s not what you can expect from God. He’s slow to anger. He is rich in love toward you. He is rich in compassion toward you. He loves you more than you could ever imagine. He sent His Son Jesus to die on a cross because of the depth of love He has for you. That’s what God’s like. He’s not waiting to get you. He’s waiting to love you.

We’ve talked about how you and I can begin to break through this thing of becoming so easily angered. To do that you have to trust God. You can’t do it on your own, on your own strength. You ask God for the strength to break that pattern of anger. Then you get in with a group of people who are trusting Him to encourage patience rather than encourage anger. You pray to Him about your problems and you find His peace in your life. Then ask for His wisdom when it comes to the need to get some rest, to slow down a little bit. You expect God’s love to strengthen you in the realities of life.

Will you expect God to love you?

Prayer: Father, there’s not one of us here who doesn’t struggle with anger. We’ve said words that we wish we could take back. We’ve done things that we wish we could forget and undo. We need Your forgiveness. We also need Your direction. Show us how to be slow to anger. I want to be a different person, to be a loving person. God I choose to expect your love to not only forgive me but to direct and to guide me. Beginning this next week, give me the faith that I need to focus on that which is good and right and pure. To focus on You.” We pray this in Jesus’ name. Amen.