Once, when Billy Graham preached on this theme, he asked his wife Ruth what she thought of it. She replied, It was a good sermon, except for one thing. What was that? The timing. The what? The timing. You spent 11 minutes on the wife's duty to her husband, and only 7 minutes on the husband's duty to his wife.

So, it is with some trepidation that I approach our theme today. Our problem with the passages read is that we come to them confused by the strident voices and persuasive pull of the world's attitude to marriage. Christians don't live in a vacuum. Too often the world moulds our views, rather than the Word of God. As Christians we should know that - both the chauvinist cartoon-world of Andy Capp (Britons will understand!) and the shrill world of feminist protest – have got it wrong.

The Christian home is under attack and we need to listen carefully to what God is saying to us. Because of our own sin and failure, most of us haven't got into clear focus this greatest of God's earthly blessings. Our homes should stand out in such contrast to those of the world that men and women cannot fail to see in them the grace and love of God.

In Ephesians 5 Paul is speaking to Christian couples – but what he says can also be applied to the Christian partner in a marriage where the other one doesn't know Christ. Peter makes that clear in the 3rd chapter of his first letter. But first of all, if we are to appreciate God's teaching through Paul, we must look at its setting within his letter.

Chapters 1 – 3 lay a foundation by reminding us of the utter grace of God towards us – that it was God's initiative, while we were still spiritually dead, to save us through Christ – who is now exalted to God's right hand.

Chapters 4 – 6 outline the response we must make. We are God's people – and we must live accordingly, in true righteousness and holiness (4:24). We are to be imitators of God.. and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us….(5:1,2).

We are to live lives in complete contrast to the God-rejecting world around us – which lives in darkness, condemned by God. We, however, live in God's light and are to be that light in the darkness. (5:8)

All Christians are to be yielded to one another.

Paul starts a single sentence at 5:18 which goes on through verse 22: Rather than being drunk – we are to be filled with the Spirit… speaking to one another…singing..to the Lord in our hearts – HE is to be at the centre of our lives – giving thanks to God…submitting (yielding or being subject) to one another out of reverence for Christ. All these things are to flow out of us as a result of being filled with the Spirit.

Let us stop there for a moment, at verse 21, the first verse of our reading. Paul has led up to this injunction through all that precedes: what flows from it are specific applications in every sphere of life. It is supremely practical and down-to-earth, but it is also a complete contrast to the outlook of the natural man.

Modern society, since the 17th & 18th centuries, has talked about RIGHTS, of men, of women, of individuals. God tells us of the RESPONSIBILITIES of those Christ has saved and will save – the response of those who belong to him. The characteristics of the Spirit-filled Christian, that Paul has just enumerated, include supremely, being yielded to one another in every relationship of life.

Because that cuts across our pride and self-will, it should be clear that it is only as we ask the Holy Spirit to control and fill our lives that we can begin to fulfil this mandate.

As we glance at the world today, what do we see? Men disputing over territory, over issues of power and authority, fighting over their perceived RIGHTS – not willing to renounce them for the sake of peace and reconciliation. Not recognising that the disposal of these things lies in God's hands – and not trusting HIM for a just outcome.

Likewise, in Christian relationships, SUBMISSION implies TRUST IN THE LORD. What we do in our personal relationships we DO TO HIM. When we assert OURSELVES aggressively – we are denying our relationship to Christ as Lord. Hence we are to submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Paul then continues without a break – without even repeating the verb submit – wives to husbands as to the Lord. Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church… Other pairs of relationships follow.

We may summarise these verses by saying that the way we live out our relationships reveals our relationship to Christ – it is the evidence of it. Only as we have made Jesus our LORD and seek to honour him in our lives will we appreciate what is being asked of us here. And it is all set in a context of grateful and adoring worship, empowered by the indwelling Spirit of Christ. There is no hint of autocratic harshness - but only the full expression of the Christ-transformed life, bringing glory to his name.

First, we both submit to Christ, and then to each other, following the instructions he gives us here. Before God the partners in a marriage are equal, but within the relationship there is a differentiation of rôle. God has given us in marriage the privilege of modelling the relationship between Christ and his church. Although, in a way we will enlarge upon in a moment, God has given the husband the Christ-rôle and the wife the church-rôle. Both rôles are costly. As the husband loves with self-giving, self-denying love, so the wife responds with a glad submission to his leadership. Both are responding to Christ's loving sacrifice for them.

The husband's rôle.

What does Paul mean, when he says, husbands love your wives? He adds, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her. Recall what that meant. He willingly gave up a position far above angels for one that was lower – that he might be subject to pain and death, for us. Every day he didn't please himself – but did what his Father wanted him to do. After living for years in obscurity and toil, he went among the crowds with their pressures and demands, living a life of service to others, facing misunderstanding, hostility, betrayal and forsaking – to be insulted, imprisoned, beaten, stripped and tortured to death.

Why? Because he loved us. In spite of our sin and disbelief. It's his love that gives us dignity and worth. This is the kind of love we are to give our wives. It's an active, practical, uncondemning love. It wins a response because of its humility and sacrifice. Napoleon observed that he had founded an empire on force – and it had lasted a few years – whereas Jesus had founded his on love – and it would endure for ever.

Jesus's love goes on being expressed to us – he is intent on cherishing us so that we become the Bride he will one day acknowledge before heaven and earth, and be fully united with. So also we are to cherish our wives, remind them constantly of our love – by practical actions, by tenderness, by holding them in the very highest esteem and by praising them before others. Not dwelling on their faults but on their excellencies. And knowing that we also are sinners in need of forgiveness – we are to be eager to forgive, free of all resentment.

Woman was created from man to be his helper and companion – the one, without whom, he would not be complete – but, with whom, he has the incredible privilege of mirroring the very love of God to man. The husband is therefore to share his life with his wife at every level, seeking in her the help, the wisdom and companionship she was created to give.

Clearly this means talking together, listening to each other, not neglecting her, but seeking to understand her needs. Speak the truth in love, says Paul earlier in this letter (4:15), and we will… grow up into Christ. Part of our mutual responsibility is spiritual growth, to be achieved as we share God's truth together, learn from each other and pray together.

Our talking has to be meaningful. We need to explain to each other how we feel, while the other listens. Otherwise resentments can build up and explode. We need to speak the truth in love. Not wearing masks, but learning to be honest and open – and yet gentle, seeking the right time and place, making sure we understand what the other is saying to us, discerning the feelings behind the words – seeking prayerfully to understand how our partner comes to feel as they do – maybe through childhood experiences.

Paul says, Christ is the Saviour of his body, the church (5:23). And so should we husbands be to our wives. Saviour also means healer – our love, our self-giving is to be a way of healing and completion to our wives. For we are to become one in an ever-deepening way. We are to love our wives as being our own bodies – they are our 'better selves'. Think that through in the light of how we care for our bodies – or should – not abusing, neglecting or taking them for granted – but doing all that will encourage, strengthen and give them pleasure. I protect my body and I try to see that it realises its potential. Do you build up your wife, encourage her to use her gifts, and not be too dependent on you?

The wife's rôle.

Now, if these things follow from God's command, Husbands, love your wives, what are we to say about the command, Wives, submit to your husbands? In the first place – if one is God's command – so is the other! And that means it is a command of the LORD, not of the husband, that you are called to obey. In fact, wives are never called to obey their husbands – Paul uses the word obey only of children with respect to their parents, and of slaves to their masters – or all of us to the Lord.

How then are we to understand the reason that Paul gives for the wife to submit to her husband? For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body… (Eph 5:23)
I believe this metaphor has often been misunderstood, resulting in totally inappropriate behaviour from men, and resentment from women. We use head to denote authority, the person in command, the chief.

But the Greek word for head was not used in this way. So, how would Paul's readers have understood the word? The Greeks used this word as a synonym for origin – such as the head or source of a river, or the progenitor of a race. So, they would have understood that Paul was referring to their source of life – from which flows their purpose and direction for living.

Paul has used this word twice already in this letter (1:22; 4:15). In 4:15 he speaks of our growing up into him who is the Head, that is Christ. From him the whole body… builds itself up in love… It is a picture analogous to Christ's speaking of himself as the Vine and us as the branches.

In 1 Cor 11:3 Paul lays down a basis for his directions about the appropriate behaviour for men and women leading worship: The head of every man is Christ, and the head of woman is the man, and the head of Christ is God. Is Paul speaking of subordination? I believe not – but of the origin of their life.

Christ as Creator is the source of every man's life – or, if Paul is speaking only of the Christian man, that is true of his new life. The second relationship – that of woman to man – derives in Paul's thought from the Genesis account (2:18-24) of woman's creation from man. She was made to be man's helper, his complement – so much so, that Paul speaks of her as being the glory of man (1 Cor 11:7). She is represented as being made from man's side – to be truly his companion – to be united with him in a relationship that supersedes all others.
Therefore – as Christ's headship of the church implies our being yielded to him as the source of our life, our purpose for being – so should the wife relate to her husband within marriage. As our loving submission to Christ flows from the knowledge of his sacrificial love for us, to give us new life and purpose – so the wife's loving submission to her husband ought to flow from her experience of his self-sacrifice on her behalf, and his purpose to give her the companionship, tenderness and support she needs. [Even if her husband doesn't behave like this, shouldn't she still yield to him as to the Lord? Just as he ought to love his wife, as Christ loved the Church, whether or not he receives her loving response.]

Our responsibilities to one another.

The husband's headship is therefore not an excuse to domineer, but a responsibility to care and cherish. In God's plan, however, his rôle does differ from that of his wife – for it is he who has the responsibility before God for the ordering and direction of his household. (Gen 18:19; Eph 6:4; 1 Tim 3:4,12; cf Rom 5:15,17 where Adam is held responsible for mankind's fall.)

Let's be clear here – there is no hint in this of difference of status in God's eyes. Whatever the world has made of this – we Christians should know that there is neither…male nor female, for (we) are all one in Christ Jesus. (Gal 3:28) Peter says husband and wife are joint heirs of the grace of life (1Pet 3:7 RSV). There is equality of status – but there is a difference of function, which we deny at our loss, for we are made to be complementary.

Those who deny it do women a great disservice and, in a sense, repeat the sin of Eve who disbelieved God, sought to be her own authority, and acted without first consulting her husband. (Gen 3:6) If Eve was the first woman's libber – the model for those who would do God's will is undoubtedly Mary, who said, "I am the Lord's servant. May it be to me as you have said." (Luke 1:38)

For the problem of submission to one's husband is wrapped up in our submission to the Lord. If we have really learned to submit to him – then you will see submission to your husband as part of – as an expression of – your submission to Christ. Our mutual submission is an expression of a Spirit-filled life. The Christian man must not stand on his rights. He has none, for he has handed himself over to Christ. He is under authority, to obey the Lord. So, of course, is the Christian woman.

Knowing their position before the Lord, they must be subject to one another, by honouring each other, seeking each other's good, respecting each other's opinions, listening to each other to hear what the Lord may say through each other.

However, in relation to the family there is this ultimate responsibility resting on the man. A team or a ship needs a captain. There cannot be order without submission – just as an orchestra cannot produce harmony without a score and a conductor.

Of course, the wife must express her opinions – and the husband must pay attention to them. It is by far the best if husband and wife (father and mother) can act together as a team, and always make decisions together. [And certainly, in matters of conscience, the husband must never come between his wife and God.]

Indeed, because husbands have above all an obligation to love their wives – husbands must usually forego their own preference, in order to please their wives. For he must be willing to serve her at cost to himself. But in some decisions, for the good of the family, the husband may have to take the lead and bear the responsibility for the choice. The distinctive element in the Christian home is that the ultimate authority is not the husband's but the Lord's. The husband is so to walk with God that his direction, his support and love, are truly in the style and spirit of Jesus Christ. If he does this, will not his wife gladly submit to his decision?

Of course, submission is an attitude of heart and will – not outward assent along with inward resentment. It's no good saying you don't mind his being the head, if you can be the neck and turn him where you will! Hence the need for the filling with the Spirit and submission, first of all, to the Lord. Be willing to give the final decision to your husband. And if he's wrong – take the matter to the Lord in prayer – don't recriminate! Give your husband all the respect you can muster: you have a tremendous power for good.

You were sent to be his helper. [And this is no mean rôle, for God himself is called man's helper, too! (Ex 18:4; Dt 33:29; Psa 54:4; 70:5; 118:7; Heb 13:6)] With your encouragement, he will be able to tackle the things God has equipped him to do, and to find a greater fulfillment in them. Be alert to his good qualities, as you would have him be to yours.

There is great scope for your own initiative – Bible:Proverbs+31 makes that clear! Circumstances may throw much responsibility on your shoulders. You may have greater ability than your husband, you may have to be the breadwinner – but his spiritual captaincy is a God-given rôle. Encourage him to exercise that rôle, and not avoid it by default.

A thought or two, in conclusion, addressed to both husbands and wives. To yield and to love are not just matters of feelings, but of the will. Be willing to do God's will, act, and he will give us the right feelings and joy with them.

Don't look to your partner to be what only Jesus can be to you. Our true fulfillment can only come from him. Men and women have feet of clay – but he is perfect. He alone can give true security, true significance and self-worth, true peace and joy. One day our earthly partner will leave us – or we shall leave them. If we both love the Lord, we shall one day be re-united – but NOT as we live together now. Our love for each other then will not be less – it will be greater. But our relationship will be different. We shall be closer to Jesus, who is our real satisfaction.

Single people may seem sometimes to be the losers here. But they may well be the gainers there, because they have had to come closer to Jesus here, relying on his all-sufficiency in a way that those of us with human partners may not do.

Therefore, let us all keep close to Jesus and serve him in each other.